Friday, June 15, 2007

Haunted Past

So, I'm still haunted by the time in which I talked my husband into having an "open" marriage so that I could hook up with someone I met on the net without guilt.

I was starved for attention. My husband, a practicing alcoholic at the time, couldn't give a rat's as about me. We drifted along in ignorant bliss, acknowledging each other presence but not being a part of each other's lives. I wanted someone that could remember my co-workers names and he wanted to drink with his co-workers after work. We still loved each other tremendously believe it or not. But he was not fulfilling my every desire and emotional need. I still feel that it's got to be nearly impossible to expect one person to fulfill all needs and desires and wonder how the whole one man, one woman thing even got started. I believe with all my heart that this is why people cheat. And cheat they do. I was shocked once I put myself out there, how many men were looking for some strange, yet loved their wives enough to never want a divorce.

ANYWHOOO...I was doing some bogus make money online deal. This guy that signed up under me (and just happened to live near me...seriously) and I chatted quite often. I fell in love with him. He was funny, intelligent, tattooed, pierced, had blue hair and generally kicked ass. He wanted to meet me and I refused because their was no way I was going to fool around on my husband. I loved him too much to deceive him in this way. Hubby knew of this guy, I spoke of him often, and he listened as I laughed my ass off while chatting. We continued to talk, laugh, have deep meaningful conversations and I continued to fall deeper. I know some people consider this a form of adultry and the jury is still out of that one...which I'm sure is because I commited it, how can it be wrong.

Another one of my online business associates suggested that I talk hubby into an open marriage. That way, I could have extramarital sex without the guilt. The catch...hubby could do the same thing.

I did lots of research. I looked in to polyamory, open marriage and learned the meaning of compersion (the feeling of happiness when someone else is happy). I read about how self esteem and confidence are the causes of jealousy. I read and I read. When I finally felt comfortable enough, I took hubby out for dinner, plied him with alcohol, and made the suggestion. He was a little taken aback, naturally. I told him to mull it over and we would talk about it later.

He happened to have lived in CA for a while. He knew a couple there that had an open marriage and it really worked for them. He...said ok.

to be continued...

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